Kill All the Gil Thieves
by Carbuncle
Summary: Best Fic Ever... from me, anyway. This fic is so good, it doesn't even need a summary. You'll read this and you'll laugh. If you don't laugh I will give you your money back. Go on... read it.


FINAL FANTASY VII   
  
Kill All the Gil Thieves   
  
(Open to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa, Aeris and Red XIII are in the basement, watching TV)   
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A "Friends" spoof, with the heros of FFVIII instead of the usual bunch, is on)   
Rinoa: How many weeks until the wedding now, Squally?   
Squall: (looks up at the wall calendar) Three. (laughter track)   
Zell: Man, it must be great to be so happy and in love like you two are. I hope someday I'll find a bitch to make my wife.   
Selphie: I'm sure you will, Zell. Hey, let's all go to Central Puke and see if we can find Zell a girlfriend.   
Irvine: Yeah... we could do that. Or we could just stay at home and watch some hardcore porn. (laughter track)   
Selphie: Ew, don't be sick, Irvy. I don't want the others to see you jack off.   
Irvine: Don't want... or do want? (laughter track)   
Selphie: ...I just said I DON'T want.   
Irvine: Want... or went? (laughter track)   
Selphie: Huh?!   
Irvine: Huh... or heh? (laughter track)   
Selphie: (sighs) Now you're just being stupid.   
Irvine: Stupid... or stoopid. (laughter track) I'm done now. (laughter track)   
  
(Cut back to the party on the couch)   
Cloud: This show is going downhill really, really fast. They should have stopped at Season Four.   
Tifa: Oh, I dunno. It hasn't got as bad as "King of the Windmill".   
  
(Cut to Dali. Zidane, Vivi, Steiner and Amarant are outside the local tavern. They each have a beer)   
Zidane: ...yep.   
Vivi: ...yep.   
Steiner: ...yep.   
Amarant: ...yep.   
  
(Cut back to the party on the couch)   
Barrett: (drinks the last of his beer) Damn, looks like I'm outta beer. Yo cat, run upstairs and get me another beer.   
Red XIII: Why can't you go yourself?   
Barrett: 'Cause I ain't movin' for nuthin'! I don't wanna miss Zell and Quistis' bedroom scene!   
Red XIII: ...all right. (gets up) If I must. (leaves)   
Cloud: What's this episode called again?   
Aeris: ...um, "The One with the Steamy Bedroom Scene".   
Cloud: (mocking) "The One with..." Why the hell can't they come up with a different title?! "The One with..." Geez, use your imaginations, guys! (Red XIII returns with Barrett's beer)   
Barrett: Right here! (swipes the beer from Red, then drinks) Ah, that's the stuff. (Red XIII sits down in front of the TV again)   
  
(Cut to the TV screen. Zell and Quistis are in bed together)   
Zell: Boy Ms. Trepe, for a teacher you sure make love good.   
Quistis: Actually it's well, Zell. You mean to say I make love well.   
  
(Cut to the bar. Some familiar looking thieves enter. Two of them look around, while the third searches the cash register. He takes out a handful of money)   
Blank: Hey-hey! Look at this, guys!   
Marcus: Alright! That should be enough to pay off our student loans!   
Cinna: Shit! Someone's comin' - let's go! (the thieves grab the money, stuff it into their bags and run; Tifa enters the room)   
Tifa: #I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall. I'll be there for you, la la la, la la--huh?! (runs over to the cash register) Oh lord, no! (Cloud, Barrett, Aeris and Red XIII walk in)   
Cloud: What's wrong, Tifa?   
Tifa: S-Someone's taken all of the money out of the cash register! We-We've been robbed!   
Barrett: Ah, dammit! Well, at least we still have the beer.   
Tifa: No, they took that too.   
Barrett: Ah, dammit!   
Red XIII: Well doesn't that just beat all?   
Aeris: Don't gloat, Red XIII.   
Red XIII: Gloat? Look Aeris, I don't know what you think gloat means, but-   
Cloud: I can't believe they took everything!   
Tifa: Well, they did leave their card in return. (picks up a card from off the bar and shows it to Cloud)   
Cloud: The Alexandria Card? What the? This isn't "Card Captor Sakura", y'know!   
Barrett: Grrr... how the hell could this happen?! Someone should've been watchin' the bar! Red XIII, this is all your fault!   
Red XIII: M-My fault?! How did you work that one out, Gast?!   
Barrett: I dunno. It just seems easier to blame someone.   
Red XIII: Fine! If you want to be like that, then fine! I'm out of here! (starts to leave)   
Tifa: Oh Red XIII, no. This is ridiculous.   
Red XIII: No, I'm sorry, Tifa, but Barrett has clearly made up his mind. He thinks I am responsible for this, so I shall simply just take my leave as of now. Good day. (leaves)   
Tifa: Oh, Barrett, go after him.   
Barrett: The hell for? He's 48 years old. He's old enough to go where ever and do what ever the hell he wants. Hell if I'm gonna stop him.   
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Red XIII is wandering the dark streets on his own)   
Red XIII: Who does he think he is? How can he treat me in such a way? God, I hate that awful man! (stops and shivers) Brrr... it certainly is cold out here tonight. Perhaps it would be wise to find somewhere to take shelter.   
  
(Cut to Wall Market. Red XIII enters the Inn)   
Red XIII: I would like a room for the night, if I may. Oh, and please try to make sure that the room is unoccupied this time. I'll never forget the unfortunate incident which occured the last time I stayed here.   
  
(Cut to the Inn, Red's last visit. He walks into the room with the Innkeeper)   
Innkeeper: I hope everything will be to your satisfaction, sir.   
Red XIII: Yes, well- (a woman screams from offscreen) -my God! (there is a naked, wet, ugly woman near the bathroom; she struggles to pull up a towel over her body)   
  
(Cut back to the present)   
Red XIII: Everytime I close my eyes I just... (shudders)   
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven. Tifa is looking out of the window. Barrett walks over to her)   
Barrett: I called the cops. They said we'd be lucky to ever see our 50,000 gil ever again.   
Tifa: Barrett, we didn't have 50,000 gil in the cash register. We had-   
Barrett: You've been starin' out this window for the last twenty minutes. Lookin' for an empty spot on the side of the road? (Carbuncle: Easy folks! You know I love her!)   
Tifa: Red XIII hasn't come back yet. Where could he be?   
Barrett: He's probably decompossin' in the sidewalk as we speak. Let's get a new pet.   
Tifa: Red XIII wasn't a pet! He was our friend! He IS our friend! And I'll be damned if I'm gonna forget about him in his time of need! (leaves)   
Barrett: ...whoa, what's up her ass?   
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the next day. Cloud and Aeris are sitting at the table, eating their breakfast. Barrett walks in)   
Barrett: Yo, wha's up, fools? (sits down beside them)   
Tifa: (walks over to the table) Here's your breakfast, Barrett. (hands him his food)   
Barrett: Thanks! (starts to eat) So, did, uh, Red XIII come home last night?   
Cloud: Ah ha! So you DO care about him!   
Barrett: I didn't say that, man. I just wanted to know if he dragged his ass back here at all.   
Cloud: Nah... no one's heard from Red XIII since he stormed out of here yesterday.   
Aeris: Maybe he's dead...   
Tifa: Aeris, that's a terrible thing to say!   
Aeris: Hey, it happens. One minute you're walking the earth like you haven't got a care in the world, the next thing you know you're six feet under. Life's a bitch... death is too.   
Tifa: Yes, well, I'm sure Red XIII is fine... where ever he is.   
  
(Cut to the Wall Market Inn. Red XIII is inside a sauna with a glass of champagne. He smiles)   
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Barrett are now in the basement)   
Barrett: That's it, Cloud. I want this place nice 'n' clean.   
Cloud: Yes sir. (picks up a tennis ball from off the floor) Aw, Red XIII's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing.   
  
(Cut to a tennis court. Red XIII, dressed like a tennis player, serves the ball)   
Referee: Double fault!   
Red XIII: (hits himself lightly on the head with the tennis racket) Oh, come on, Red XIII...   
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven)   
Barrett: Did I say you could take time out to reminisce?   
Cloud: Don't you even feel slightly bad about how you treated Red XIII yesterday?   
Barrett: ...nope, not really.   
Cloud: But it wasn't his fault the place got ransacked. You shouldn't have made out like he was responsible for what happened.   
Barrett: Look, I'm not gay, okay?   
Cloud: Huh?   
Barrett: I don't stick up for guys. I'm not a homo.   
Cloud: I didn't say anything about you being gay. And just because you stick up for someone of the same sex doesn't mean you're gay.   
Barrett: ...   
Cloud: Why don't you just go out and find Red XIII, apologise to him, and ask him to come back?   
Barrett: 'Cause... 'Cause... oh, who am I tryin' to kidd?! This all goes back to a childhood trauma! It's time I let everyone else in on the secret...   
Cloud: Secret? What secret?   
  
(Cut to the bar. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris are sitting at the table)   
Barrett: It all started when I was jus' eight years old...   
  
(Cut to Corel, Barrett's youth. A man who looks identical to Barrett, a woman similar to Elmyra Gainsborough, and an eight year old Barrett, minus the beard and gun-arm, sit down for breakfast)   
Barrett: (voice over) ...I was livin' with my parents in Corel. The day started out like any other. Me an' my parents were sat at the breakfast table, and Mom had just totally #@$%^&* up our porridge again.   
Mr. Wallace: (takes a spoonful of his porridge) Whoa! This damn porridge is too hot, ho! Whatcha make it with - chilli?!   
Mrs. Wallace: (sarcastically) Well I'm sorry it's not to your likin', Bert. Perhaps next time ya should make your own crap.   
Mr. Wallace: Shu' up, ho! Aw, now what the hell're we supposed to do?!   
Mrs. Wallace: Let's go out for a little walk. By the time we come back the porridge should've cooled down.   
Mr. Wallace: Goddammit, you know I hate walkin', bitch!   
Mrs. Wallace: Up yo' ass! We're goin' whether ya like it or not! (gets up) Come on, Barrett. (the Wallace's leave the breakfast table and exit the house; moments later, a small girl similar to Marlene with blonde hair walks in)   
Carlene: Oh, wonderful! Food! Now I won't starve to death! (walks over to the breakfast table and takes a spoonful of the first bowl of porridge) Ooh, this porridge is too hot! (takes a spoonful of the second bowl) Brrr, this porridge is too cold! (takes a spoonful of the third bowl) Ah, this porridge is... satisfactory... (some porridge spills from her mouth) ...just. Yeuch, the porridge has made me quite faint. I need to sit down. (walks over to three different size chairs) Oh, how convenient. (sits in the first chair) This chair is too large! (gets off and sits in the second chair) This chair is too... medium. (gets off and sits in the third chair) This chair is just right! Not too tight around the buttocks either. (pause) I sure am tired. All this walking from chair to chair has made me sleepy. (gets off the chair and goes upstairs, where she finds three different size beds) Bed time! (gets into the first bed) Ah heck, this one'll do! (goes to sleep; back downstairs, the Wallace's have returned)   
Mr. Wallace: There, we took your damn walk. I hope you're damn happy.   
Mrs. Wallace: Aw, stop your bitchin', Bert.   
Mr. Wallace: What the #@$%?! Who the hell's eaten my damn porridge?!   
Mrs. Wallace: That's not your porridge, Bert. It's Barrett's.   
Mr. Wallace: Oh...   
Barrett Jnr.: Waaa!   
Mr. Wallace: Shu' up, kid! (whacks Barrett over the head)   
Mrs. Wallace: Bert, don't you hit him!   
Mr. Wallace: Shu' up! I'll bloody hit whoever the hell I want, bitch! (slaps his wife)   
Mrs. Wallace: Ow! How dare you! (punches her husband in the face)   
Mr. Wallace: Ah, that hurt, ho! (Barrett looks on as his parents beat the hell out of each other)   
Mrs. Wallace: You lousy hick! (pulls Mr. Wallace's hair)   
Mr. Wallace: Let go o' my hair, ya bitch! (the blonde girl walks in)   
Carlene: Excuse me, but could you people SHUT THE HELL UP?!?! I'm trying to sleep!   
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven)   
Aeris: Wow. That's a pretty... weird story.   
Barrett: It's all true.   
Cloud: Of course it is. I mean, you'd have to have some kind of warped imagination to have made that up!   
Barrett: Well, ever since then, I've always resisted to stick up for anyone of the same sex. Don't ask me why, 'cause I jus' don't know.   
Tifa: I think I know why. Maybe it's because your parents were a couple of no-brain psychopaths who never should have had children in the first place.   
Barrett: ...that or my dad told me if I ever helped people of the same sex in life, then he'd come find me and kick my ass, 'cause he was homophobic.   
Aeris: This is the most bizarre conversation ever. I don't want to take part in this discussion anymore.   
Barrett: Ya don't have to go anywhere, Aeris. I've finished.   
Aeris: Yeah, I'd still rather go though.   
Barrett: (gets up) C'mon gang, let's go find Red XIII.   
Cloud & Tifa & Aeris: Yeah!   
  
(Cut to Wall Market. Red XIII leaves the Inn and starts his journey back through the Slums)   
Red XIII: I believe I'll head on back home to Cosmo Canyon today. I miss Grandpa. (Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris approach)   
Cloud: Red XIII!   
Red XIII: Cloud? Tifa? Aeris? Barrett? What are you guys doing here?   
Tifa: Barrett has something he wants to say to you.   
Barrett: I... aw, geez...   
Red XIII: Oh, don't force it, Barrett.   
Barrett: (sighs) Look Red XIII, I'm... I'm sorry for the way I went off at you yesterday. Can... Can you forgive me?   
Red XIII: ...no. (starts to leave)   
Tifa: Red XIII!   
Red XIII: Oh, I'm just kidding! Where's your sense of humor?!   
Barrett: You stinkin'--I mean, heh heh, funny! You kill me!   
Aeris: Well, it looks like everything worked out okay. That's good, because I hate unhappy endings. (a metal pipe falls from above and crushes her)   
Tifa: ...   
Cloud: ...   
  
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THE END__________   
  
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End file.
